More Jack, More Sur

"I realized you can always study the character of a man by the way he chops wood-- Monsanto an old lumberman up in Maine as I say now showed us how he conducted his whole life in fact by the way he took neat little short handled chops from both left and right angles getting his work done in reasonably short time without too much sweat --but his strokes were rapid --Whereas old Fagan pipe-in-mouth slogged away I guess the way he learned in Oregon and in the Northwest fire schools, also getting his job done silently, not a word --But Cody's fantastic fiery character showed in the way he went at the log with horrible force, when he brought down the axe with all his might ...He chopped off his log with the fury of a Greek god --Nevertheless it took him longer and much more sweat than Monsanto --'Used to do this in a workgang in southern Arizony' he said, whopping one down that made the whole tree trunk dance off the ground --But it was like an example of vast but senseless strength, a picture of poor Cody's life and in a sense my own--I too chopped with all my might and got madder and went faster and raked the log but took more time than Monsanto who watched us smiling..."

"...this poor haunted canyon which again gives me the willies as we walk under the bridge and come to those heartless breakers busting in on sand higher than earth and looking like the heartlessness of wisdom --Besides I suddenly notice as if for the first time the awful way the leaves of the canyon that have managed to be blown to the surf are all hesitantly advancing in gusts of wind then finally plunging into the surf, to be dispersed and belted and melted and taken off to sea --I turn around and notice how the wind is just harrying them off trees and into the sea, just hurrying them as it were to death --In my condition they look human trembling to that brink --Hastening, hastening ---In that awful huge roar blast of autumn Sur wind."

"In August a horrible development took place, huge blasts of frightening gale like wind came pouring into the canyon making all the trees roar with a really frightening intensity that sometimes built up to a booming war of trees that shook the cabin and woke you up -- And was in fact one of the things that contributed to my mad fit."

"The blue sky adds "Dont call me eternity, call me God if you like, all of you talkers are in paradise: the leaf is paradise, the tree stump is paradise, the paper bag is paradise, the man is paradise, the fog is paradise" -- Can you imagine a man with mar-velous insights like these can go mad within a month?"

"But I remember seeing a mess of leaves suddenly go skittering in the wind and into the creek, then floating rapidly down the creek toward the sea, making me feel a nameless horror even then of "Oh my God, we're all being swept away to sea no matter what we know or say or do" -- And a bird who was on a crooked branch is suddenly gone without my even hearing him."

"Because a new love affair always gives hope, the irrational mortal loneliness is always crowned, that thing I saw (that horror of snake emptiness) when I took the deep iodine deathbreath on the Big Sur beach is now justified and hosannah'd and raised up like a sacred urn to Heaven in the mere fact of the taking off of clothes and clashing wits and bodies in the inexpressibly nervously sad delight of love..."

"I've been sitting in that chair by that fishbowl for a week drinking and smoking and talking and now the goldfish are dead."  (Oh, Mr. George Willow, how this transports me back to an afternoon.)

"Remember when we were in East St Louis with George, and Jack you said you'd love those beautiful dancing girls if you knew they would live forever as beautiful as they are?"

"…the eyes of hope looking over the glare of the hood into the maw with its white line feeding in straight as an arrow, the lighting of fresh cigarettes, the buckling to lean forward to the next adventure something that's been going on in America ever since the covered wagons clocked the deserts in three months flat."

I want to go back.

Pretty Girls Make Graves

"'...when I was a little kid in Oregan I didn't feel that I was an American at all, with all that suburban ideal and sex repression and general dreary newspaper gray censorship of all our real human values but and when I discovered Buddhism and all I suddenly felt that I had lived in a previous lifetime innumerable ages ago and now because of faults and sins in that lifetime I was being degraded to a more grevious domain of existence and my karma was to be born in America where nobody has any fun or believes in anything, especially freedom.'"

"--colleges being nothing but grooming schools for the middle-class non-identity which usually finds its perfect expression on the outskirts of the campus in rows of well-to-do houses with lawns and television sets in each living room with everybody looking at the same thing and thinking the same thing at the same time while the Japhies of the world go prowling in teh wilderness to hear the voice crying in the wilderness, to find the ecstasy of the stars, to find the dark mysterious secret of the origin of faceless wonderfless crapulous civilization.[...]'they all got white-tiled toilets and take big dirty craps like bears int eh mountains, but it's all washed away to convenient supervised sewers and nobody thinks of crap any more or realizes that their origin is shit and civet and scum of the sea. They spend all day washing their hands with creamy soaps they secretly wanta eat in the bathroom.'"

Jack Kerouac, The Dharma Bums

French Brittany

It's the day after Thanksgiving and the sky is clear and bright, shining over distant rolling hills which are speckled with thick groves of maple trees.  Father and son walk over soggy green grass carrying shovel and a bundle of lime-green peach tree stem-shoots.  Their shadows are cast long and thin and there's a constant fifteen mile an hour breeze flowing over the open valley, stretching toward more rolling hills of golden brown corn stalks, recently brush-hogged for winter.

            The father lays the shovel and bundle on the grass and disappears into the garage, returning with a fifty-pound bag of leaf soil.  The son watches as his father sets the bag down and picks up the shovel, systematically burying the blade into the soft ground five or six times, creating a perfect circle.  Then, pushing the smooth handle of the shovel toward the ground, the father pries open the turf easily and sets the circular piece of sod to the side of the hole.  He continues digging up muddy clumps until a cone-like recession lay unearthed in the yellow sun.  He does this three times, placing each hole approximately five yards apart in a perfectly straight line.

            Removing a stag-handled pocket knife from his coat, the father cuts knotted haywire that ties the canvas soil bag shut, spraying a dry dust as he slides the glimmering blade through.  He folds the string three times and places it in his front shirt pocket, and bends down, running the blade through brown freezer paper that is wrapped over the stringy roots of the stems.  As he is unwrapping the damp paper, clear gelatin moisture crystals fall to the ground and once completely unwrapped, he brushes out the remaining crystals from the tangled ball of roots.  He looks for a second at the mess and begins fishing out a few roots, unraveling carefully until finally one of the stems comes free.  Then, folding the paper over the remaining roots, he picks up the loose stem and sets it next to the first hole.  The son doesn’t speak, but watches every step closely, as his father picks up the bag of soil and pours in a decent amount of bedding. 

            Resting his knees on the ground, the father picks up the stem and buries the roots deep into the soil using his thumbs to massage it into place and his hands to pat down and cover the twisted roots.  After nodding toward the bag and spitting tobacco juice on the ground, the son picks up the heavy canvas and pours more soil into the hole, mounding around the thin base of the shoot until the father raises his hand for him to stop.  Pressing and molding, the father makes the hole flush to the ground and a little green stem stands sturdy, shaking just a bit in the breeze.  They proceed to plant the remaining two in the same manner.

            Walking to the end of the stems, the father squints his eyes, making sure that it is lined up perfect.  And it is.  The mud on his knees has dried to a light brown the same color as the blade of the shovel and he brushes off the powdery dust, carrying the shovel across the yard toward a wheelbarrow, which sits in a dormant garden, empty.  The son watches as his father wheels the scoop next to each pile of dirt and shovels them in, clanging the aluminum blade on the lip of the scoop to capture the remaining clumps at the last pile. 

            Placing the shovel in the wheelbarrow, father and son walk back to the garden and dump out the soil in the middle, spreading the dirt flat with the back of the shovel.  A grey-haired man with a Navy sailor's cap and blue coat comes walking up the valley being followed closely by his short French Brittany.  Her back legs, instead of propelling her smoothly, hop together to lessen the stress on her hips, but she still gets around fairly easy, hopping ahead of the old man and sitting at the feet of the son who massages the old dog's ears and she stares at him with clear brown eyes.  The old man finally reaches the top of the climb at the edge of the garden and rests his muddy boot on a rusty iron roto-tiller blade that sits unattached.

            The father addresses the man as Dave.  He lives down the valley in a brown house with a boat sitting in the driveway.

            "Looks like that'll be her last hunting trip," Dave finally says after watching the son pet the shaggy dog for a few minutes.  "Just never been the same there in the hind legs ever since we got back.  And she had a hell of a run at it too, this year.  Probably her best one in five years, I'd say.  It started off kind of slow with the fields being crowded and all.  Birds just seemed to sense us all there and hid out in the thickets trying to wait us out.  But, after a couple days, it picked up."

            The father placed the shovel in the scoop, carefully laying the handle down.  "Oh yeah?"

            "Yeah, we maxed out the rest of the week, even with five heads.  It really picked up.  You see, the gamers started thinning out as the week went along cause the cold air started moving in and you know they never come prepared for the cold.  They think cause it's September that it's like September here, but you can never trust South Dakota weather.  Once that jet stream starts moving back down around late August, you never can tell how it'll be." Dave took his sunglasses off and wiped them on his jeans. "Hell, you can hardly tell how it'll be here in September."

            The father shook his head.

            "Well, the first few days were slow, but it was nice weather and we just walked the grounds getting our bearings straight.  So, by the time the cold came in, we had a game plan kind of worked out already.  Plus, we hunt there every year so the grounds become more familiar every time.  Shit, after ten years, they better."  Dave paused.  "Down along that shelter block, probably a hundred yards west, there's a hillcrest that domes up pretty good and north of that it levels down into a meadow probably a hundred yards squared and it butts right up against the tree line.  It's beautiful tall grass, dead by this point in the year, but with good visibility.  The quail like sitting on top of that crest in the morning cause there's good sun that comes down and these birds aren't mating yet, they're just burrowing down in the grass for the warmth.  So, Wednesday, I think it was, there they are, you can see probably a hundred-fifty of them squatted down, brown in the dead grass and we've got a feeling they'll be on the move pretty soon, maybe drift further west over the hill into a thicket or try to get south down by the lake cause the sun was starting to rise pretty fast. We had to move and filter them into that meadow north of the hill, kind of funnel 'em into a tight spot and we knew we had to move pretty fast.  But, at the same time, we know we need a set man down at the bottom of that meadow to start taking them when they bail into that tree line.  So, I yell at this younger kid, probably twenty-five years old, a hell of a lot younger than all us old guys, 'get your ass down to the bottom of that meadow as fast as you can and set up for when we push them over the hill,' and he goes bolting off down the shelter block with his gun just swinging.  And we started pushing up the south side of the hill, maybe spread about twenty yards apart.  The quail are still bunched up at this point, but they'll be moving soon, you see.  So, we push hard and I'm thinking that boy had better move fast and get set cause the further we push up the hill the more and more quail I see and it looks like it's going to be a day and we can't miss out on these birds.  The goddamned things had been hiding for two days already.  We get half way up the hill and they start moving north down the other side, not spooked, but real casual like. We speed up to try to keep them going north and as we are getting close to the crest of the hill I start hearing 'boom boom boom' down on the other side and I'm thinking that this boy is damn fast, but when we finally reach the top of the climb I see that the boy ain't no further down the hill from here to the house," Dave points at the father's house, "and he's just set up shop blasting at these birds from the hillside and they're flying everywhere and I'm thinking that this goddamned idiot's ruined the whole day for us by spooking these birds." Dave smiled wide briefly as the son laughed.  "Although, he is dropping some here and there.  We finally get down to where he's at and start gunning them too.  It was chaos from him pulling up too soon, you see, and the birds were flying everywhere swooping north and west trying to get the hell out of there, but after us old guys had finally gotten our feet set they started dropping all over the place," Dave stopped and pointed down at the dog with a wide smile.  "She's having a field day fetching these birds from all over the place.  See, there's also a group of guys behind us on the top of the hill gunning down birds and she's fetching their birds too!"  He laughed.  "I look down at my feet about twenty minutes into the firing and I've got ten or twelve birds lined up to me and she's going out after more, retrieving every damn bird in the field and without any direction at all.  She just sits and watches the sky as we rise up our barrels and when one falls she goes and grabs it.  Absolutely amazing retrieving that day and the rest of the week, matter of fact.  Of course, I gave the guys their birds, but if I'd been an asshole I probably had twenty birds by the time it was all done, maxed almost three heads," he laughed again shaking his head. 

            The father spit tobacco juice on the ground and shook his head with a smile. 

            "So, we had a few real good days like that and after the crowds had thinned then it was real good.  I had this girl running after dozens and dozens of quail from here to the bottom of this valley," Dave said and pointed toward his house.  "Our group did real well and maxed out all five heads and she's down there maxing out fifteen heads with the amount of birds she got."

            The father sat on the roto-tiller blade and began tying his boots.

            Dave sighed and looked down at the dog.  "The ole girl's ten years old, though, and she was ran real hard on this trip.  Like I said, probably her best outing in five or six years, maybe totalling close to thirty miles of retrieving in a week.  It just took a toll on her legs and after about a week of her being back here, she started hobbling around about as bad as me.  The vet gave me some of the gludocosamine and I've been giving her the tabs every day, but I don’t know.  My wife says, 'just another excuse for you to get another one,' but I don’t think I'm going to be getting any more dogs.  May end up retiring myself, actually.  I've had some good times out there, but it takes a lot out of an old man like me, driving across the country and spending weeks at a time.  I think I'm just getting too old."  Dave stopped and looked over the valley back toward his house.  "Took her to the vet again last week and they did the x-rays and she's got that hip dissplaysha, had it since birth.  It doesn't start wearing too bad until about this age.  They told me they could take her to surgery and shave that hip joint down real smooth, but they don't think she'll ever hunt again."

            "Probably pretty expensive," the father said.

            "Ah, I don’t care about money.  If she's in pain then I'll go ahead and do it, but just sad she won't be able to hunt.  She loves it out there.  Lives for it.  If I start packing up the truck for a trip, she starts running around the house excited to go.  I can't put her through having to stay in the truck or having to stay at the house.  It'd kill her.  I think I'll just have to hang it up too."  Dave wiped his sunglasses on his jeans again.  "But we had a hell of a last go at it," Dave said to the dog who lay beside the roto-tiller blade in the sun.  "Plus if I pull her out of hunting now, there's no reason she shouldn't live till seventeen, eighteen years old.  You know."  Dave stopped again and wiped dirt off his boots, bending slowly at the knees and then petting the dog's head, massaging her throat and the son watched as his dirty thumb and forefinger tracked along the buried windpipe up to the tip of her black and white dotted chin. 

            "I see you boys have been planting some trees.  I seen you from way down the valley and started thinking that it might be too wet this fall for the seedlings to catch.  Hell, maybe it's fine on top of the hill, but I know my yard's nothing but a swamp."  Dave stood up from the dog and walked down the line of the garden, peering down at the wet dirt that the father and son had spread earlier.  "Well, it looks like it isn't too soupy, but boy I know those seedlings don't like to catch, especially if we get a good frost here in the next couple mornings.  What kind of trees did you put down anyhow?"

            "They're peach trees," the father said.  He held his hands apart about three feet.  "Some little shoots."

            "Now shoots have a better chance of surviving through the winter.  And I know, I know, every damn planter will tell you that planting in late November is the right time of year, but believe me I've seen it year after year.  They end up little dry twigs that you can't hardly see anymore.  By April, you get the mower out and chop 'em down not even thinking twice about it.  Again, maybe up here on the hill they'll do just fine and by spring they'll bud, but I'm just telling you to be a little cautious."  Dave looked down at his boots.  "You know, these winters can be rough."

            "I'm not worried," the father said and spit tobacco juice in the garden.  "But I appreciate it."

            Dave shook his head and turned toward his house, the sun glaring off of his smooth shades.  The little French Brittany hopped to Dave's feet and sat her bushy black and white tail down on his boot and looked up into his face.  He nudged her off gently and ruffled the fur on her head.  "Well, I suppose we'd better be getting back down to the house.  Don't wanna keep you too long."  And after the father told him to take it easy he hobbled slowly down the sloping cornfield into the bright valley with the dog hopping along behind him. 

            The father and son walked over the soggy grass, splashing sprinkles of mud on their jeans and their shadows were cast long and thin, pointing toward the line of peach trees that they had planted earlier.  Taking one last look at the line to see that it was straight, the father motioned that they were perfect.  And as they climbed the wooden steps to the porch at the back of the house the father stopped and looked over the valley toward Dave's shrinking figure as he descended further towards his house.

            "Dave talks a lot," he said and opened the door.

Trick

It's a damp Halloween and you walk before work with dog tugging you along sloshing your coffee and exiting the comfortable circle you initially planned to span carrying your wet head through the brisk breeze cooling the scalp and opening your eyes to see the pretty blue sky and that wonderful gold dome of a Ukrainian catholic church beaming bright in the morning sun with an innocent surface and a brooding center, meanwhile the dog shits and you set your cup down to pick it up and of course she's restless after her shit and she pulls your sleepy arms knocking the cup over spilling its warm strength into the grass and effectively cracking the cup's porcelain shell so it can never hold strength quite the same again and you pick up the lumps of shit and curse the dog stomping to the nearest garbage receptacle and she smiles dumbly, unaware of anything in the world aside from the fact that she's outside and there are loads of bushy squirrels swirling and squirming up trees.   

            And it's a long day at work.  There are files to complete and emails to compose.  You haphazardly plop them onto the screen, unproofed and with no premeditation aside from giving the answer in its rawest, most unelaborated form.  And you eat lunch.  It's a series of processed pastries and fried junk food, which fuels your underfed brain.  You create problems for you to fix the next day.  Plunk.  Plop. Pop.  You pound out the last email and zip your coat up to the throat.  Ten minutes till the next train and your back tire's flat.  And you ride on the rim, trying hard to shift your weight forward, but the cracks in the sidewalk sends jolts through the frame.  You made it in time. And the bike's still together.  It's been a good day at work.

            The first thing you notice when you walk through the door is that the dog needs to shit again and you feel kind of sorry because she's been locked up for eleven hours and you're still tired from the shitty food and staring at that screen, almost falling in at times, but alas you clip on the leash and she's really excited burying her claws in your chest as she stands erect to hug you for the gesture and you're almost out the door and lo and behold it's the noisy Mexican family that lives above you with their two-year-old little daughter who's scared of the dog and is hiding behind her mother's legs and your attempts to calm their fears with the explanation of the dog's bowel schedule and her imprisonment during the day falls on deaf ears because they can't speak a lick of English and probably think that you're a serial killer considering the amount of noise you make to combat their noise during really soggy nights when you've starting filling the trash with Tecate cans.

            Finally out the door and spilling into the purple-orange night you weave through groups of little demons dressed as little demons or sunflowers or cheesy topical things like supermans or princesses and their already high-wired brains are firing rapidly from the fuel of an endless amount of sugar, climbing fences and beating on doors, screaming from the fright of motion-sensor voice recordings of really generic catch phrases and halfway down the street you finally find some solace as the groups have thinned and the dog's taking a piss, you can see her eyes practically roll back in her head.  But, then, as you wait for her to relieve herself you start patting yourself down searching for your life force the one thing in the world that keeps you connected to all the important people, your phone, and it's not there! And you start on the other side feeling in your wool jacket and holy-Mary-mother-of-god you don't have your keys either and those paranoid Mexicans surely locked the door and you know they did, but you have to at least check to see if they did so after dragging the resisting pooch back down the line to her cell she waits as you fumble with the knob, stiff as a frozen car door.

            Now comes the time when you start thinking systematically and logically about all of the options that are left for you to try and for one split second you almost praise and are grateful of your job for enabling your brain to have such a calm and mechanical approach to such a seemingly stressful situation, but that second passes and you try the handle again with a hope that the little Mexican girl slipped out of her apartment sensing your situation and quietly flipped the latch to let you and your nice, pathetic dog back in the fortress and how ridiculous of you to even consider that because her father is probably phoning the polizie under the false pretense of a break in.

            So, you walk back around to the front of the building and finally, a break has gone your way, the heavenly light from your English-speaking front side neighbors is gleaming brightly and you bang on the door and you bang on the door again and there's no movement from inside and you bang again and still, no movement, and a crowd of little demons walk by screaming at your dog and laughing maniacally, still possessed by the IV sugar drip inserted into their tiny purple veins so, finally, you say "fuck it" and take the dog on her normal walk and act like everything is normal so, at least, the dog can take another shit, but she doesn't because she can tell that you are a little worked up and you think that it makes her uneasy. 

            There's garbage everywhere from where the little bastards threw their Reece's wrappers on the ground and the dog is licking the remnant chocolate flakes and you try to keep her away, but they're scattered around like mines on a misty Munich morning so you hold the leash taut keeping her nose in the air tiptoeing at a reasonable speed and, "Welp!" the dog cries, alas, she's been hit by a shred of shrapnel from a broken Cobra 40 oz. bottle probably heaved by some stumbling drunk who sucked at the empty vessel for fifteen minutes before realizing that he'd have to bum another three dollars off of some fresh, wool-wearing walkers and now she's hobbling on three legs pitifully with little dabs of blood painting the sidewalk every few feet. 

            Finally, entering the gate of your impenetrable stronghold, you tie the dog up to the fence and palm her paw feeling over the slice in her pad and she pants excessively just wanting to drink some water and sleep off the pain.  And it's the last option, you have to break into your apartment and you, of course, know which windows aren't locked but after getting the storm window up there's the screen and it's locked and there's the security deposit looming in your mind and you know if you tear the screen out like a raccoon, you'll probably never fix it and the landlord will make you pay seven hundred and eighty dollars for it so, there, a grown man can't break into his own apartment because of a flimsy, weathered grid of shitty screen which didn't even keep the flies out in the summer and you lean against the building, despondently, looking for other ways in but knowing it's all but over.  You'll freeze and the dog will bleed out and through the corridor you see the neighbor across the street staring at you and you know he thinks you're mental because he's seen you go in unabated time after time and now, on Halloween no less, you're the ultimate robber standing on a wobbly cabinet debating whether or not to bust the screen out. 

            So, you come up with a really bright plan of tapping on the neighbors side window and then running around to the front and pounding on the door and then back and forth, back and forth you run and surely the guy has to be loading shotgun shells into his 12-gauge by now and you see his furry little head poke over the curtains in the window checking for hoodlums and you wave frantically and try to smile wide so as not to pose a threat and he smiles when he realizes it's you and it's all just another tally to add to the list of insane things you've done in the past, such as almost burning the apartment down by passing out for three hours with French fries smoking wildly in the oven and the fire alarm ringing followed by fireman kicking in your door and throwing the little charcoals into your sink with the water running wide open.  So he lets you in and explains that he didn't have any candy and he thought you were tricker-treaters, but he is waiting on a pizza and he thought that it may have been them but with his bum leg and the fact that he had only ordered the pizza fifteen minutes prior he didn't want to move and you smile just glad to finally have been granted entrance to your palace.

            Meanwhile, all the kids were home getting caramel stuck in their teeth.

Huntress and the Lightning Rod

He slammed the door and tapped down the steel staircase a little faster this time, spilling out onto the sidewalk. She had said Chicago and Hoyne, but he knew that wasn't the halfway point and he thought of how stupid he would look standing at the corner with no direction and no motivation to move and craning his neck down the long street, peering through the corridor of trees and buildings searching for her poppy cadence to appear and then trying not to focus on her when she approached so as not to make it seem that he was desperate because, of course he wasn't, but he knew how sometimes people get images in their head and they tend to stick and paint the wrong impressions no matter how redeeming their actions are moving forward. So, he decided to keep his pace and glide over Chicago and he chose the right side of the street because he knew where she was coming from and how convenient it would be for her to just hang a left on Hoyne and not cross.
The sky was bright and lit the thinning translucent canopy, which rained slow flowing feathers of dehydrated pumpkin flakes and sometimes they landed on his head. Scattered and coupled along the long shaded sidewalks, hipsters and post-hipsters walked slowly enjoying the air. And dogs tugged at their arms. Trains in the distance tooted their horns and squealed their brakes, but he didn’t pay any attention. He was focused two or three blocks down trying to catch the first glance and he was anxious to see if he'd recognize her, but he knew he probably would. And then, a little past Iowa, she appeared from the shadow of a large tree with headphones on, cantering choppily, but lightly enough, to the music streaming in her brain and they got closer and finally a smile and then he dropped his head and stopped to leave enough room between their bodies.
"I'm glad you came out."
"We needed to talk. It's hard to stay in on days like this," she said and flipped her hair over the left side of her head, combing it with her fingers.
"Well, I'm glad you came."
"Where should we walk?"
"Wherever you'd like."
She paused for a second and he leaned his head back south and they began to crunch at a decent pace. And it was silent for a moment.
"Fall is the best," he said. He looked at the trees. Hopping once, then twice, and then a third time, a furry orange squirrel launched onto the side of a trunk and swirled around with just his little head showing and a nut in his mouth about half the size of his head and he stared at him, shifting suddenly when they passed.
"It could be colder."
"It will be colder."
"It's too hot in my apartment," she said.
"Mine too." He looked at her eyes.
"I think this is my favorite street in the city." She flipped her hair. "It's so pretty."
"The area's nice."
They turned on Huron and people disappeared. The sun hung low and he wished he had worn his sunglasses. Fresh scents of freshly decaying leaves and freshly turned rose gardens were strong in shady spots and weak in sunny spots and his mind played pictures of his past when the scent was strong enough. The street was lined with beautiful Greystones and modern-styled geometrically-interesting condos, which were sprinkled every so often off-setting the antiquated feel of Eastern Europe. He wanted her hand, but he knew it was too soon.
"How has your day been?" he asked.
"I watched a show on zombies. It was pretty interesting."
"I like vampires even though they're over-used."
"Oh yeah?" She asked and flipped her hair.
"There's a reason why they've persisted so long."
"Why's that?"
"Because no matter how ruthless they seem to be, they have this complex emotional side, which makes you feel something for them. Like they can't control it. Zombies are very one-dimensional, but they are fun to brutally destroy in video games." He looked at her and she smiled a little.
"I guess so. But, they're so cheesy now. Vampires that is."
"It's cause all of these writers are just focused on the sexual aspect now. I guess it sells. Did you ever read Dracula?"
"No."
They crossed Western and he asked if it was okay to keep going west and she said yes, but really he was thinking whether or not they should walk west. He had heard things about the west, but he figured they weren't that west and as they crossed, the street then slightly deteriorated and the houses became less significant, but overall they were still nice. She didn’t have on socks and her light brown ankles danced lightly on the pavement.
Stretching through the patchwork splotches of sunlight, their shadows ran long and it made them look significant in certain angles. He thought it might be the perfect temperature and time of year and day to sit at the park and kiss her and talk in big what-ifs with a child-like wonderment of how the world would be if just one thing were different, or two. And he felt like he had done this before, but he couldn't remember when and he couldn't remember with who and he didn’t want to depreciate the moment with a similar one that may have been better or may have been worse so he decided to believe that it had never happened before, especially not under these circumstances. This was different and better.
"I want to hear more of what you thought of my friend?" She asked and smiled, tilting her head.
"Well, after realizing that she was wasted the moment I met her and after the repeated ass-grabbings at the bar, I thought she was a bit overwhelming."
She laughed.
"But, other than that, she was cool."
"She's really, sweet. And physical," she said. "Did she say anything to you about me? She was whispering to you all night."
The road opened into a corner park and there were kids playing on plastic swing sets and parents clapped along. In the baseball fields, a few middle-aged Ukrainians kicked a soccer ball around, the octagonal scales of the ball gleaming in the sun. And dogs lay, panting. He lost focus watching the ball float in the air and land at the feet and legs of blue socks and white tennis shoes.
"What did she tell you?"
"She said that you were a huntress."
She laughed wildly and flipped her hair. "Did she say that?"
"Yeah, I thought you were more the temptress, though."
"Did you?" She stopped laughing.
They turned right onto Rockwell and the road was completely shaded. The buildings were red and the iron fire escapes were rusty black like all the fences that protected the homes with hundreds of elegant, sharp and arrow-like points. A group of black children played down a side street screaming and laughing and crying. They packed in the middle of the street and bounced balls off the cars. An old Polish woman watched from her porch. She was wearing a thick cotton gown with blue and yellow floral patterns printed on it. Shaking her head, she let go of the storm door and descended her stone steps into a flower garden. The sunflowers bowed to the sky, weak from chilly nights. The woman examined the flowers and lightly palmed the stalks, shifting them backward and then forward and after pulling black-handled shears out of her gown she snipped the heads off and threw them on her porch.
And they crossed the street.
"Well, I'm sorry if I need to apologize for anything the other night." She swayed side to side as she walked with a controlled rhythm.
"Of course not."
"Well, I'm sorry."
"Why? Don’t be." He wanted her hand.
"I don’t remember much."
"I didn’t think you were that gone. At least not at the time."
"It's spotty."
"Nothing happened."
"I know," she said.
"You're protector, protected you."
"I guess she did," she smiled.
"In the most backward-ass way I've ever seen, too."
She laughed.
"In the beginning, she was almost advocating my prowl. I think I even told her that she was."
"Advocate? She obviously didn’t get it." She flipped her hair and laughed.
"Well, yeah. But by the end, her drunkenness prevailed and, oddly enough, protected."
"It's weird how it worked out. I can’t believe she told you I was a huntress," she said.
"She said it a bunch."
"Some gypsy prophesied that about my personality, but I think it was meant for a more everyday aspirations and career-minded context. She told that to both of us." She smiled and showed her white teeth, perfectly aligned. "But, it also has that other side to it."
He laughed. "Other side?"
"You know, that other side. The relationship-wise and," she paused, "sexual side." She grinned and dropped her head.
"I can see it for your friend for sure." He smiled.
"It's just funny she said that to you."
They walked to the corner of Division and Sacramento and heard Latin music popping in the distance.
"Humboldt Park," she said.
In front, there were three or four black people grilling burgers and drinking beer and far on the right was a large crowd circled around the Latin band. Most of the guys were wearing black shirts and most of the women were wearing white shirts and some had little brown children hanging on their hands or running in circles a few feet away. It was Sunday, but you couldn’t tell. And dogs pulled their owners along the winding concrete paths.
"Let's just go in," he said.
"Okay, have you been here before?"
"Never in, but around."
"It's pretty nice," she said. "I walk around here a lot when I need air."
The sun was dropping slowly and he knew that his time was running out because she needed to go back and study and the sky was violet and the grass was orange. Most of the trees held tight to their green foliage, but some had defected and you could see patches of red swaying through the green when the breeze blew in and they hissed softly and the breeze was nice because it was kind of warm. Between the paths in an open meadow of the park, tossing Frisbees in a hexagonal pattern, six younger college-aged kids laughed and smiled. They were wearing blue jeans and v-necked tee shirts.
"I miss doing stuff like that," she said. She didn't flip her hair, but just stared at the Frisbee sail from hand to hand to hand to ground.
"Why don't you anymore?"
"I don’t know. No one to do it with, I guess."
"That's not true," he said and he thought it might be a good time to grab her hand, but he missed his chance when she pivoted and started walking again. She focused ahead on a large pond with stone seats and he thought it might not all be lost.
"Do you ever bike?" He asked
"I have a nice bike because it's really light."
"Do you ride it?" He laughed.
"Not in the city."
"Too stressful."
"Too crowded," she said.
"Going to the lake is fun and it's really not bad if you take Augusta in."
"But when you get there, it's still too crowded on the path."
"Yeah."
They walked to the edge of the pond and sat on the cool stone steps. He couldn't tell if they were natural or not. In the middle of the still, brown pond were two round, red buoys floating sternly against the water's movement. Must be tied down tight, he thought. They sat close, but not touching and he really wanted her hand this time. A mess of ducks and geese drifted by barely rippling the surface. And the sky was orange now. And dogs pulled their owners behind them on the path, smiling with excitement.
"Do you ever miss your family?" She asked.
"Tomorrow's my one-year anniversary of moving to the city."
"Mine was in July," she said. "I was really unhappy at first. Wanted to say 'fuck it,' and go back to Michigan."
"I never wanted to go back."
"Don't you miss your family?"
"Of course, but I hate that area. I feel we're closer now anyway." He looked into the pond and saw the green slimy bottom, smooth and leveled perfectly from when they poured concrete in years before.
"I'm satisfied now, I guess, but it sucks cause there's so much cool shit going on in Detroit now. When I left, it was pretty bad," she said.
"There's nothing cool going on in Kentucky and Facebook only perpetuates all of the stereotypes and reasons why I wanted out so bad in the first place." He saw the surface bubble with a little belch and he wondered. "I want to go west."
"I'm not sure how much further I want to go from home."
"I just want to see everything."
They sat silent a moment.
"I mean, I miss my brother and ma, but they knew I was never happy there so I think they're glad just as long as I'm happy," he said, still fixed on the water.
"Are you happy?"
"I'm happier than I was, although it gets lonely sometimes." He looked up from the water and focused on her eyes and her hair hung over the left side of her face and he knew she was going to flip it and she did. He really wanted her hand and now he wanted her mouth.
"Yeah," she said and looked away.
They didn't move. The mess of ducks and geese from earlier glided around the hairy edge of the pond and some small Hispanic kids threw crumbled bread bits in the water over their shoulders and then floppingly, splashingly, and writhingly the birds devoured the bits, picking them precisely off the surface. They sprayed misty water on the stones and sometimes they kicked up large bulby balls of water, which splattered and dripped drops down his legs, slowing through the hairs. He wiped the water on his shorts and the ducks quarreled and pecked one another, fighting for the last of the soggy, stale crumbs.
"The males have green heads and the females are grey and brown," he said, unaware that he was speaking aloud. "What're they called again?"
"I think it's Mallard."
"Yeah," he said. "Mallard."
The brown children ran back to their parents who were pushing a stroller and the dad had a basketball jersey on with tattoos on his arms and the mom had her hair braided and she was short, but round.
"The males have green, shiny heads because they want to impress the females," he said, again thinking aloud.
She laughed. "You see that a lot throughout the entire Animal Kingdom."
"And mostly with birds," he said. "I remember that show on Discovery which focused on tropical birds. Some of the birds in South America are insanely beautiful."
"With their mating dances and songs," she said. "I'm almost embarrassed for them, too, you know, when the females don't pay attention."
He looked at the water. "It's the same in the human world too, except females are more apt to dressing up and being flashy and tempting the males."
"Totally, except I think it's a pretty even split. Guys are flashy. Guys randomly pop into girls' lives unexpectedly and make their presence felt too."
"That's fair, but what are you to do when they're shakin' tail feathers?" He laughed.
"I don’t know."
He looked at her and she looked at him. The sky was pink now with wispy jet streams and high Cirrus clouds. And he wriggled on the stone seat and leaned closer to her, but he didn't move his hands. And she looked at him and then at the pond and then back at him and he thought she knew what was going on, but he couldn't move his hands. The park had been emptying behind them and there was no one around except for a couple up the path on a park bench, holding hands. She shifted a little and moved on the stone seat and he finally moved his hand.
"But I'm not exactly single, as you know," she said, as if she were in the middle of a mental conversation.
He put his hand back and his heart dropped a couple feet and he straightened his back and cleared his throat, but he knew she was right and he knew he was wrong to think like he thought. "Yeah."
"I mean, I just want to be up front and get it on the table cause I don't know what this is," she said. She had a confident look, but one glance down and to the right showed she wasn't too confident.
"That's fair," he said and his heart stayed down. "I don’t know either."
She stood up and he followed her onto the path.
"Well, I like you even as a friend. I feel we get along well," he said.
"Yeah, but this is all secrecy. I mean," she paused and tilted her head," he's back at home and doesn't know what's going on. I'm sure he wouldn't be happy."
He didn’t know what to say besides, "yeah."
They walked out of the park and started up Sacramento. The sun was almost down and the trees and buildings were all silhouettes against the sky. He held a very fake grin on his face to show that he wasn't affected, but it was clear that he was disappointed and she probably noticed it, but he tried not to look at her, instead keeping his head forward looking down the long streets, five and six blocks down where all the stores were gated closed and all the kids were in their houses eating dinners or being tucked in their beds. And dogs pulled their owners over the crosswalks.
"I mean, you caught me at a weird time in my life where I've been questioning, things, and then you just popped into my life and it was very coincidental so I may have made bad decisions and, you know, acted like a terrible person." She was shaky and her mind was trying to soften the words before they came out of her mouth.
"You're not a terrible person. It happens to lots of people. So, I was the push?"
"You were the lightning rod."
He raised his eyebrows.
"I don’t know. He moved here with me," she said with head hanging a bit.
"How long have you guys been dating?"
They walked slower and slower, knowing they had a lot to say, but not enough sidewalk left to do it on.
"A long time."
"Like, high school?" He asked.
"Like right after high school."
"I see," he said.
He felt bad, for her, and for himself, but mostly for her because he could see the frustration and he had seen this many times before, with some of his buddies even; the clinging on because it's comfortable and familiar, but never really being happy just content and comfortable and normally one person in the situation is satisfied and the other isn't but they don’t know how to deal with it and it's one of those things that can drive you mad because they're too nice to snip the cord and not unhappy enough to be completely honest and then they make themselves feel worse for being unhappy because they have it all and it's all supposed to be perfect. He knew it. He saw it. The story was making sense and he felt kind of ridiculous because his intentions were so far off from her intentions when they took their stroll and, like she said, everything was on the table, and he was in a different cafeteria..
"You know, you moved to Chicago and expected something different, but you brought with you probably the single most grounding and constant thing in your Detroit life, which makes all this feel the same. You were probably expecting something different, no?"
"Yeah," she said, with head faced down, and her hair hung straight.
"You know, it's not a crime to feel trapped."
"I know that," she paused, reflectively. "It's a big tie to cut, you know."
"It's not going to be easier further down the road."
"I know," she said lowly. "I just want to move some place where I know no one and no one knows me."
"Chicago would've been a great place for that."
They walked to the corner of Hoyne and Augusta and stopped because it was the departing point. And she stood there with a little smile, which he thought looked forced, but she was as cute as ever anyway. And the sun was down and the only light came from dusty streetlamps glowing gold on the streets.
"I don’t know what you expect," she said.
"I don't expect anything. I never did. It started as a game and now I've met you and now I like you, but I'll settle for friend."
"Yeah," she said hesitantly. "But this is all secrecy. It's not fair," she said. She leaned dejectedly, but yet still emphatically when she said it. She shook her head, fighting with herself in her mind. "It's just not fair."
"It's whatever you want. I have no place to talk," he said. "Remember, though, everything in your life is what you want. At least it should be."
"I appreciate that."
"Appreciate what?"
"What you just did."
He wanted her hand, again, but this time he knew it wouldn't happen so it was more of a reflective want, or what he wanted before and now knew he could never have and it was a cold feeling because those squirming fairies and flashes of fire and explosions of thoughts that he had had so much of over the past week were all sealed in a cork-topped bottle and put on a shelf in his mind and only with time would he toss it out once the girl's smell and laugh escaped his brain and he forgot her hair and her ankles and her poppy cadence, only with time.
"Well, you should probably go," he said.
She nodded her head and then shook it and then nodded it.
They opened up and hugged under the golden glow of the streetlamp and she held him really tight like she was throwing away a dream or leaving a friend that she had wronged and felt bad for and he saw her head pulled tight on his breast and his stomach kind of dropped and it was silly cause they really had just met, but he knew this girl, he understood what she was about and maybe nothing would have ever come of it anyway, but he thought of how nice it would've been to have at least seen it unfold and as she released and popped across Augusta, out of the golden glow of the streetlamp, and into the blue shaded darkness of an elm tree, he looked at the ground and smelled his shirt and walked home, real slow.